Hibees-Mad Christmas Panto 2006

Wee Haggis Cratchet was having a bleak and dismal Christmas, not only because Haggis been at the end of a good kicking from the Islanders recently, led by the infamous BMG and his co-horts Red Dye and Gavin the gob(lin), plus several other Islanders having had their instructions emailed from their spiritual leader the Ayatolla Peter, who had incidentally been exiled from footy mad to Never Never land a few months ago and by jove Ayatolla Peter wanted payback....Big Time !!

Wee Haggis, still recovering from the above meeting with the Islanders, was also waiting for a letter from his uncle, the mercenary soldier Mad Mitch Hoare, nicknamed Mad- Lippy. Every day he would pester the giant posties Steve and Embrager untill they got so fed up they also gave him a good kicking (authors note, why these sadists from the board want good kickings in a panto is beyond me?)



POSTIES STEVE and EMBRAGER



If it wasn't for bad luck Wee Haggis wouldn't have had any luck at all and to top it all he had a job with the local miser Vlad Scrooge, who at the said moment in time was counting his money and stroking his pussy Ukio who was curled up at Vlads feet keeping them warm at the time.

Wee Haggis knocked nervously on Vlads door,

"Come in" shouted Vlad! (through his interpretor wee cranky Charlie)

"Sorry Mr Scrooge I don't mean to bother you but I cant make ends meet and pay my bills, can I have a wage rise pleeeeeeese." Bleated out Wee Haggis

Vlad turned yam red in the face and the cat Ukio hissed out loudly, Vlad also hissed out with

"I pay you enough, are you saying I'm not good to you?!

Wee Haggis took a deep breath and retorted

"I really cant survive on this salary, I just need a wee raise sir."

Vlad was no even listening, he was engrossed stroking away at his pussy and looking at Ukio and replied.

"Enough of this nonsense, get out, your fired and don't come back here ever again"

POOR WEE HAGGIS (all sigh now) was not only out of a job, but homeless as well as Vlad
owned the wee dingy attic where Wee Haggis lived.

Vlad was that affronted he ordered wee cranky Charlie to get his workmen round to the attic- to throw all poor Wee Haggis's worldly goods out on to the street. Demas, Rablinski, Kerplunk and Eck did this with pleasure because they also did not see eye to eye with Wee Haggis for some reason.
(once again....all sigh now)
 



Mad Vlads Happy Workers


When Wee Haggis arrived back in Leith, where his attic home was, he saw all his belongings broken and littered on the pavement. He was truly heartbroken as he rifled through all his damaged possessions only finding the one unbroken item. That's when he decided to walk all the way to one of the the pawnshops up in gorgie from Leith as he was now that desperate and needed some cash....fast.

Wee Haggis decided he had to pawn his last unbroken possession he owned in the entire world, his maws golden locket with a wee photo of his maw inside.

This panto can't get any crueller or sadder, can it ?

OH YES IT CAN !!!!

Act Two

Unbeknown to Wee Haggis, his uncle, Mad Lippy, had landed in the city and was at Vlads door asking where his nephew was.

Vlad, through wee cranky Charlie told Lippy that Wee Haggis was history as far as he was concerned and Lippy was to beat it or he would call the polis on him

Mad_Lippy, angry and worried about his Wee nephew snarled

"You and your mangy pussy had better walk real slow and careful nights you hear.

A recent picture of Uncle Lippy the mercenary with his guest for the day Cent


Meanwhile on the way up to gorgie ,Wee Haggis met the Fox brothers Cent and Boom who of course asked Wee Haggis what he was doing. Wee Haggis answered I'm going to pawn this locket as I've no money or food.



Cent and Boom, Happy as ever


Boom nudged Cent and winked, (Nowt unusual there I hear you all say)

Cent said to Wee Haggis "Oh son, the pawn shop is closed now,but I will give you a tenner for it and you
may buy it back for 15 pounds once you get back on your feet"

Wee Haggis thought long and hard about the tenner, then 5 seconds later said "Yes that'll do nicely, and took the tenner, handing over his wee maws locket.

Cent meanwhile turned to Boom and whispered quietly "See Boom, money makes money, he cant pay me back and this thing is worth 30 or 40 times more than the tenner I gave him for it, that's why I am called Cent because I always get my percentage."

With tears and snot streaming down his face off Wee Haggis trudged all the way back to Leith, and once there he soon became mesmerised as he gazed into the water of Leith looking down into the water suddenly he heard a voice say to him

"I am Noto, your fairy godmother all the way from down souf, I have a lamp for you which is magic. I was going to see if it could help out at Millwall but I'm afraid they are well past saving now. This lamp will grant you Three wishes but use the wishes wisely Wee Haggis."



Good Fairy Noto

Wee Haggis replied "A magic lamp Eh...barry, I wish Vlad Scrooge to have nightmares and Hibs to win the Scottish cup"

The Famous Magic Lamp


Noto said "Nightmares granted, Hibs to win the cup needs a miracle and only God grants those"

"Okay then" said Wee Haggis "Another wish then, I want ma job and wee attic home back"

"Sorry" said Noto "That's 2 wishes in one there"

"Okay then, forget the cup" says Wee Haggis "Thats ma 3 wishes, nightmares for Vlad, ma job back and attic abode all mines again"

Just then Mad Lippy came upon them and heard the 3 wishes and said,

"Please nephew Haggis, think long and hard and be careful with these wishes"

That very same evening Vlad Scrooge went to bed early to save money on Fuel and lights and with his pussy Ukio warming his feet he fell quickly into a deep sleep.

A few minutes later in Vlads bedroom there was a loud crash and bang and into the room came a spectre wearing a Green and Grey hooped shirt, it was Cortex the ghost of Christmas present....

"Vlad I am the spirit of Christmas present! We have won the Euro Cup and many more domestic honours"



Cortex the Ghost of Christmas Present


Vlad was physically shaking and got wee cranky Charlie (who was under the bed) to say in a trembly voice, "Nooo please go away"

"I will" said Cortex "When you have heard what I have to say. Vlad your days are numbered at Tinkcastle and within 2 years HOMFC will no longer be in existence, in fact they even have a ticker down clock on the Hibs-mad message board to this very event"

With the message firmly passed on off went the spirit of Christmas present into the dark of the night.

Vlad (and wee cranky Charlie) had hardly let their heads hit their pillows when next thing the whole house shook, quickly followed by a wee voice from under the bed that said "Oh funk nooo again Ffs"

In came a big lumbering spirit wearing a Yellow matalan Ralph Lauren polo shirt and carrying a blow up Sheep called Tango, it was Matt the spirit of Christmas past saying,

"We have won 2 Euro cups plus many other honours and never ever been relegated, within 2 years HOMFC will no longer exist, in fact they even have a ticker down clock on the Hibs-mad message board to this very event"

Mat with his favourite Sheep, Tango

With that message delivered the spirit left a cowering Vlad now hiding under his duvet.

Next came another spirit banging two dustbin lids together it was the spirit of the future Jambo Billy making an unholy din and screamed at Vlad,

"We was going to be champions! Then win the CL within 5 years now its over and the bubble has burst, you Vlad like my club will be dead shortly.

"Dead?" asked Vlad

"Yes" said Billy "DEAD !!!"



Billy making use of his extra Bin Lid


Vlad went a pale pink colour (same colour as tinkcastle is actually) and said through wee cranky Charlie

"I will change my ways, indeed I will change for the better, I had planned to build a Hypermarket, the biggest in Europe at Tinkcastle"

"What about Wee Haggis" demanded Billy!

"I will make good the harm that I have done to the poor wee bassa, I promise you I will, I will, I will, I will I promise"

With this all said the spirit left Vlad shaking with terror in his bed and wee cranky Charlie under it, now lying in his own poo....yuk
(It's a yam thing you know)

At the same time across the city Mad Lippy was talking to Wee Haggis about being a mercenary soldier and dreaming away to himself of being back in the wars again, he actually thought he saw wild dervish tribesmen and bogey men at every nook cranny and corner you know !

Act Three

Mad -Lippy had a wee think to himself and was really over the moon about these wishes the lamp had offered, he saw himself being called Lippy of Arabia across the globe and felt really good about it. Wee Haggis meanwhile listening intently to what Lippy was thinking out loud said,

"Can I have a camel then with one hump then uncle Lippy"

Mad -Lippy said

"Haggis Ffs son that's no a camel that's a Dromedary"

One hump or Two ??


Wee Haggis answered back, "I know all about that uncle Lippy, I'm not daft you know, I learnted it all at oldschool, william the conker man made that book in 1085 as a sort of poll tax. See you can't pull the wool over my ears you know"

Just then Noto came flying by with a whoooooosh and a sort of khaki coloured fishtale billowing behind him waving his magic wand

"Have you made your final two wishes yet Wee Haggis?"

"Yes I have Fairy Noto, I want ma job and attic home back and Mad-lippy to get one hump"

"But that's Three wishes" said Noto

"Okay" replied Wee Haggis

"Hibs to win A cup and Vlad to get to Falkirk"

"Granted" said Noto, "Because with me being the Queen of the Fairies I make your wishes come true"

Suddenly out of the blue, a stretched Lada pulls up with Vlad and wee cranky Charlie inside and they say to Wee Haggis whilst throwing some keys to him

Mad Vlads Stretched Lada Limo

"Here's your house keys and you've got your job back, Vlad and I are moving home to go and live in Falkirk for some strange reason!"

"The cup will have to wait until its time for the final, you've got your raise in salary also"

Mad Lippy said "What about my wish"

"Oh yes" said noto "You will get one hump and then from then on you will be impotent"

"See, even you scored from my Three wishes uncle Lippy, you're going to be important from now on"

Uncle Lippy just stood there and shook his head muttering to himself, "There really is no hope for you son is there"

So everybody lived happily ever after, Cent and Boom sold the locket for a great profit, went to Las Vagas and got married only to divorce two years later due to the pressures of their other love hearts going t!ts up.

Wee Haggis was content knowing that his only goal in life now was to have a kettle that worked.

Vlad and wee cranky Charlie lived for evermore in Falkirk

And of course Mad-Lippy knew his next hump would be his last,